let down

I feel I've let myself down this semester at uni. I have got my grades and Ive got B's. To any other normal person this would be brilliant I know. I guess it is, but for me its not good enough unless im top. Last year was full of A's which was amazing but this year has been so much harder and challenging. Im disappointed in myself. I should do better, I want to be consistent, but I gave my all and it wasnt good enough.
I guess its all about pushing boundaries and going that extra mile. :S xx

WHOOPSIE

just got caught by my mother doing something i shouldnt get caught doing, extremely embarrassing. :s
x

day-dreaming of foreign lands

Adventure is out there! I just need time to find it. x

lovely people, lovely food, lovely evening, not so lovely morning.

I am hung-over like a donkey. Alcohol and me make for an interesting night and a not so interesting morning at work.
Last night there were, laughs, eats, hugs, kisses, chats and even tears. So lovely to spend a night in the company of friends and let it all hang loose.
Thank you to Jen for loaning her house and getting all the food.
Thank you to Lorna for cooking it and helping me make sense of my tears.
Thank you to Fran for letting me snog her.
Thank you to Ben for becoming my friend.
Thank you to Dave who made me feel mature :P
Thank you to Chloe for reminding me of old times and sympathising with me.
Thank you to Kay for crying with me.
Thank you to Mark, who reminded me that I can still feel attractive.
There are lots more thank you's but these just sum up the night and how fabulous you all are.
Thank you!
xxx

Im feeling fine.

We lost grandma just over a week ago. I dont cry about it anymore, and I dont feel sad about it. It sounds strange to some people that I'm not outwardly mourning or anything, I am. I dont feel the need to cry, and there is no reason to be sad. She is wherever she is now, although unexpected, it wasnt untimely and it was better now while she was still completely functional and all. I do think about her, and I always will, we were close and she would always support me through everything I did. And I'm sure that there will be times I will miss her. But right now I have my family to look after. My dad is devastated, understandably and mum is being amazing and sympathising with him and helping make all the arrangements. Sally is busy with her exams, so its my job to do the everyday stuff, the shopping, the cleaning, the cooking. I suppose me doing these things is my way of mouring. Its not something I would do normally at all and its what I feel I should do at this time.

Seeing my whole family pull together makes me realise how lucky I am to have them. I cant imagine a life without them. It also makes me wish I had a partner more and more, as I watch mum comfort dad, my auntie and uncle comfort each other, couples writing to us with their sympathies. I have come to realise that there isnt much you cant do in life with someone by your side. It shall happen I'm sure. I just get so frustated that I have to wait.

I watch couples declaring they are in a realtionship on facebook, I watch my sister cry because her boyfriend lives so far away and she doesnt get to see him enough, I watch mum and dad have a cuddle in the kitchen after a hard day and I wish I had that. I think its unfair. People say I have to stop looking before something/someone will come along. But I feel I can't. Its such a big whole in my life that I feel needs filling that I cant just ignore it, Im not saying im constantly on the prowl for someone, but there is always that niggle in the back of my head and that heavy feeling in my heart that makes me sigh from time to time and keeps me wishing.

On a more positive note, my cousins are coming up for the funeral, I havent seen them in years so it will be nice to get everyone together, looking forward it all, apart from the funeral bit obviously!!

Ive had a lovely time over this past week, Ive been to the cinema with friends, been to birmingham to visit others, had my hair cut and tomorrow I am going round to another friends to have a curry and a few drinks with everyone. It will be fun Im sure!

I have band in a bit so off to get ready.

take care xx

This is hard but it all works out in the end.

These last 2 years have been the hardest of my life, they werent bad, far from it. But they were hard, and Im sure the next two will be as well.
It is through stuggle that we learn the value of the things we have when they come easy. It is trhough struggle that we learn we can do it. And it is through stuggle that I shall come out of the other side feeling proud and happy with myself.

Now to struggle on with these essays! xx

malfunction

I think life is pretty complex. I think its amazing how so much goes on it and how we have the capacity to cope with it all...theres so much! I think I have finally reached my limit though. Ive lost all motivation to do anything and find all I do is stare into space. Its so overwhelming I dont even have the ability to get stressed about it.
I know it happens to everyone, but I never thought there would be a day when I couldnt cope. Rather a day when I would admit I couldnt cope.

I have been defeated.
I surrender!

Can I have a brain back now please?

x