syphills

Had a lovely day today. Bit out of the norm for me to do anything that doesn't involve uni, work, loco or band. Went to visit miss waldis in her home town of ross. It was exciting having to navigate my way there all by myself. I felt almost grownup. We spent the day on the sofa watching jamie oliver and got to dance. It was fab! Nice to just chill and not have a time limit.
I shan't explain the title of the blog because I want to have to read this back in weeks to come and have to wrack my brains to remember and laugh all the more. :)
I'm trying to lose weight again. I did so well last time, I've gone back with weight watchers.my weight is a big issue in my life right now. I have little confidence because of it and I am sick and tired of being disappointed and upset with myself when I look in the mirror. So I'm doing something about it. It starts here! I want to feel attractive again and to put on a pair of jeans and not worry about my stomach hanging out. I want to be able to go on a night out and not feel like a fat turd next to all my beautiful friends. I want a guy to look at me and not immediately dismiss me cause I'm big. So here goes. I'm determined. Its going to happen!
For now. Sleep well.

Xxx

lost it

I really really would like my confidence back please.

facebook addiction

I'm addicted to facebook and not in the good way. It appears to be so much a part of my life that I check it religiously and await the little red light that blinks on my phone to tell me I have a notification. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this but I am beyond proud of it.
Why should I live my life waiting for some virtual attention. Why should I have to monitor my feelings and sensor what I say over the internet for fear of what people will think of me whebi put something that may make me seem desperate or too overly depressed. The fact of the matter is we now use facebook to identify and express our feelings and emotions. Right now I want to write how I feel on facebook so the guy it is about see's it and questions it, feels guilty about it, notices me. I feel it is safer to broadcast it to over 400 people rather than confront him face to face. Its all backwards really. Well I'm going to battle this addiction, the need to divulge every moment of my life to the world every feeling. I'm not going to confront the guy, I'm too scared lol. this is what facebook has done. Removed the personal at the same time as projecting it out there, broadcasting it. What is this rant about? I had a need to write and so chose to put it on here, I kinda hope this is never read..I use it as my diary. It makes this blog as bad as facebook.
Anyways. Sleep well xxx

eeeeoo aaaaooouu

In Sophocles' Oedipus instead of stage directions there are words representing sounds that suggest how the character feel. It got me thinking wouldn't it be nice if we all did this. Instead of complicated feelings that are expressed through a cruel act or one that seeks attention. We could just ooorrrk or eEEeeeaAp and everyone would just know.
Its not that simple though is it? We struggle to tell people that we love them or that we are hurting and similarly struggle to understand others. It all leads to a rather confusing and frustrating complex world of tip toeing around one another.
This blog doesn't have much of a point to it. Indeed it wasn't meant to. I just felt a need to write down my thinkings.
Sleep well. Xx

mwahaha!

He's fallen for me, he just hasn't realised it yet!

miss you

We havent been together for a few years. We aren't a couple but you are my best friend. People dont understand how we work, our relationship and why we still care so much about another. You've been gone a week and I miss you. Im so jealous of the amazing things you are doing this second and wish I was doing them with you. I want you to ring me and tell me all about it so I know, so I can share it with you. I am so proud of you...you are brave and strong and doing what you want. Keep it up, and come home soon. xx

cliques or clicks.

I find it hard at uni. I dont belong to one group or another. I kinda of drift between several. Its nice that I can get on with everyone I just wish everyone else was the same. I struggle not to judge others by their cliquiness and their unwilling to let people in. Im sure I am guilty of it some times but I am aware of others and a need to talk with others and get to know them. I feel I need to get to know the freshers more. I wasnt in LoCo last semester for the Panto and missed out on getting aquainted with them. God knows what they must think of me. I want to know them and them know moi. I am a little worried by a friends observations about said cliquiness and hope I do not fall into the bracket of people described. I deliberately try not to.

Its the auditions on Friday, I am not very familiar with the play as I wasnt able to go to the read through but looking at the chatacter list I am liking the look of Madame Lola- a fiesty french madame whos a big softy really. Im nervous about the auditions, I couldnt respect the people on the panel more, each one of them are really talented and so lovely. I'm most nervous about auditioning infront of one of the panel as I look up to him. It's funny cause I read his blog and it inspires me, yet he always writes about his knocked confidence with LoCo with non drama students getting better parts than him. He's silly. I think he's bloody brilliant and has the most amazing attitude towards life. I shouldnt admit it but I always look forward to reading his blogs. They generally put a smile on my face and encourage me to do better. I hope I can give a good audition.

Seemingly last night I was invited around to the girls house "House of Skirt" and it was lovely, I felt part of it and there wasnt any strain to blend in or be part of the action. Just a lovely relaxed night with lots of giggles.

Im going to get an early night, I'm really feeling the strain of work and uni running alongside one another at the mo.

For now goodnight, sleep tight, dont let the bed bugs bite. xx

the girls

the girls are fabulous. Always up for a laugh and always ready to make me smile.
Thank you! Xx p.s. I would quite like a hug. :)

forgiving.

I was asked to forgive a friend for their lack of communication and general upheavance from my life recently. They hurt me, not talking to me, just cutting off with out a word when I could have done with this friend for some support after I spent much time supporting them. Of course the neednt have asked for my forgivness it was a given that I would forgive them, I don't understand why anyone would want to live in a world where they have to keep tally of who they are and arent friendly with. But I feel perhaps that I am a little soft, I let myself be affected by other peoples lives and stress about what people think of me.
This post isn't written to declare that "IT ALL STOPS NOW" because its not about that. I just need sometimes to aknowledge for myself that I should take a step back and not get caught up in the commotion of others lives. I will always be there for my friend as I could never turn someone in need of help away, but I do feel a little hurt that I am only wanted when I am needed.

Want a laugh? I got in from uni today to find a purple gift bag on the sofa, so i had a peek. Inside was a brown plastic container with a load of dust in it....I didnt figure out it was Grandma until a while later. :S

An upper, going for a meal soon with one group of friends and then having a sleepover with the girlies a couple of nights after. Looking forward to some laughs.

take care xx