mother says...

Years ago my mother told me how to "get a guy." it was one of those lovely (yet slightly odd) moments that every girl will have shared with her mother at some point or other. I think I was teary eyed over my lack of boyfriend in a teenage romance filled school environment at the time. Anyway. I took her advice, "dont go chasing them, ignore them, they will come to wonder why you arent interested any more and they will come to you" and suprisingly it happened. Now...I have been testing this theory again recently, to no avail. Infact it has worked the complete opposite way, I dont think I have ever been so ignored in my life. I'm beginning to think that Mothers wise words have failed me. Maybe they only work once in a life time, perhaps they have some kind of timescale on them...Well we shall see. Im still waiting, im not chasing...Maybe this is one of those cases where you have to just go for it? jump right in there and make a fool of yourself in order to get noticed. Who knows.
I do wonder why we dont just help each other out, men and women I mean. Why dont we just tell each other how to make each other like one another?? Instead we just dance around until one drunken night or a chance meeting. Why dont we just put it out there???
This is a wonderfully sad and badly punctuated/written blog, but it is mine all the same. It is my diary for the insecure thoughts I have that im not brave enough to tell someone abour face to face. I dont care if its read, i dont care if its not. It just is. That is enough.
Good night xx

....must remember to do it.

The title of this blog is "believe" I must remeber to do it. I keep forgetting to believe in myself, in all that I can do and have done and in other people. Ive come so far...I dont want to stop now, there are just a couple of obstacles in the way. These obstacles may never be overcome but I shall try with all my might to side step around them and keep going. I wish I could have faith in the one person I need to, but they arent in that place. If I had them and what I want from them it would be easier. But this is not how it is meant to happen I guess. Im waffling on...so I shall go. I have an essay to write before lecture this afternoon.

Cioa for now. xx

simples

I kissed someone and it made me happy. I'd like to do it again. Simples.

They deserve it.

Ive just read someone elses blog on here and it is truly selfless and lovely. I found myself genuinely smiling at their achievements and their experiences. I am so glad they are happy and have found success. They deserve it.

I strive to be like them.
Love xx

I want to be here.

This was a moment of clarity, of complete nothingness, I was where I was, doing what I was doing. Being who I was. Nothing else mattered here.
If I could be anywhere right now it would be here...

always looking on the bright side of like aint always easy.

I try my best to be positive when around other people, I know I winge on here alot and esecially on my facebook statuses but I always make an effort to be positive around others. I believe you can lead by example, so when someone comes to me and tells me they are feeling shit, or something isnt going right I try to be upbeat and find the positives. Often I tell people to get a grip and to look at things in perspective, I wish I could listen to a bit of my own advice. I need a good talking to. I'm finding it hard to smile at the moment, everything seems to be getting me down, it isnt just one thing.
I look at all the amazing things that people are doing with their lives and I find it hard to justify my time at uni and the time I spend at work. I want to be about in the world experiencing all the things that are on offer, I want to get drunk and end up sleeping in my car or book a holiday to some cheesey resort with a few mates. I want to go camping on the coast or catch the train to birmingham to spend sometime with my old friends at the German Market, but I have no time, Uni and Work eat it all up. I am learning so much at uni and I love every moment of it (well nearly) but I just wish there were more hours in the day! As for work: without work there would be no uni, so its all a vicious circle. Can you believe that the other day I had to take a day off work just to do some uni work! and to top it off that day come off my holiday time. grrr, its so frustrating.
I write these blogs knowing that in a years time I will read these back and realise how trivial my complaints were. I do it for that.

I love you all. xx

chat

I miss you, even though I see you every so often I miss you.
I miss just talking to you. If I could I would talk to you all the time, but you are busy, I'm busy, and I dont want to bug you with chit-chat.

Another time. x

21 and old.

its my birthday today!
I should be all happy and smiley and stuff but I think ive finally reached that point in my life, the one everyone reaches at some point, where my birthday isnt exciting anymore, infact, its just alot of hassle! So from here on out my propects seem a little duller, the potential number of years I could be spending with "the one" when i find him have depleated, oh and im another year closer to dying.
In the scheme of things, I am possibly thinking about never celebrating a birthday again. It is far too stressful.

love xx

Will sell organs for hugs,

This would be the sign I'd be holding if I were a tramp. I just want a hug.

I'm no Angel

I have a hen night coming up, the theme is angels and devils...the hen is the devil and we are her angel apparently but do you know how bloody hard it is to find a semi-slutty-but-not-too-tacky (cause thats not me) plus size angel costume...well i will tell you now it aitn easy. I am currently on the look out for wings and a halo. BAAAAAHHH. I cant be arsed. Lets hope that I find some in time so Im not just a weirdo in white. haha.
I have no idea as to why im writing about angel costumes but I am extremely bored...as you can tell.

Weightloss wise... its going well. Ive started swimming more and I now do Zumba twice a week. Its knackering but rewarding. Adios Amigos :) xx

What You Want.

There are alot of things I want for my life. I want to pass uni and find a job that makes me happy. I want a house close enough to the people I love to see them when I need to. I want my Camper Van to work and to go on holiday to the coast and soak up the sun...theres lots more I want but none of it has any point without other people to share it with. I have one person my heart tells me it would like to share these moments with...but my brain knows otherwise. He is a batchelor through and through, a player one might say, He has sworn himself that he shall never marry; I'm not unaware of his playing and his ability to swoon, infact i wish i was. I have no want for feelings towards him. The opposite perhaps. But when I hear about his latest conquests I cant help but feel crap.
My problem is maybe made worse by the fact he is a close friend, and that my other close friends cannot know about my musings because they would hurt them in their own ways.
I dont think that my guy knows the extent of the feelings I have for him...why should he. All along I have acted blas'e about our messing around, acting as if i was in controll of my feelings so not to be just another one of his girls...but sadly that is exactly what I am. I hate it.
I will always love him in a platonic fashion. He will always have my heart that way how could he not? I just wish my heart would listen to my head and get a grip. foolish heart.
Things could be alot worse though I suppose. I have an awesome family to share all the things I mentioned at the beginning of this blog with. And I will always have my beautiful beautiful friends. Things will look up. Someone else will turn up and distract my heart long enough to sever ties that shouldnt exist and I will go to the coast in my campervan and just live, laugh and love. xx

family.

So the weekend I was panicking about went ok. Better than ok actually. Everyone pulled together and it was brilliant...we felt like a fmaily again. albeit a samller one but still we were a family. :) When I tell people about band they must think im a nutter lol. Really tired after it all though.

Might I add...DONT EVER GET LEMON CHICKEN FROM WOK AND ROLL IN THE GREEN!! its vile. I was soooo looking forward to my chinese after the show so me and allan went and got one and went to chill...i tucked into it and it tasted like Lemsip EUGH!!

Not mucht to report am trying to loose weight still not much happening on the front really.

xxx

Sewing my life away...

I am going to get thin. And then when I go out people will notice me.....failing this im gunna go the complete opposite way and get MEGA fat so no one has a choice but to notice me. hahaha.

Im tired. Been making loads of flags and skirts and such for band. Its taken too long. pfffft.

Its coming up to that day of the year again, the one I hate. It was a day full of bad news and tears that I never thought I would see. Lets hope they dont make a reappearance this year and all involved can be strong. I cant believe its a year already....its a horrible thought that time has gone this quick already what with the situation being that of a time bomb. I dont want to say too much on here as its not my business to be able to talk about it so openly. Ugh really dont even like thinking about whats going to happen in the future, but its soo bloody unfair and inevitable I want to tell everyone so they can sympathise...

All I can say is live life to the max cause you never know when it is going to be taken away from you...

yeah anyway. ...I am currently trying to tidy my pigstye of a be
droom once again. I havent touched it since holiday. So here I go....cioa for now.

Live Laugh Love.

Stavros' Hot Nuts.

Cyprus 2010 with the family.

Had an absolutely amazing time on holiday. Beautiful weather, beautiful scenery, with my beautiful family. Cyprus is so lovely. We did absolutely loads from snorkelling a secluded bay with clear blue waters to visiting a monestary dripping in gold. Most notably the best day we had was perilously driving up the Troodos mountains in our clapped out rental car, nearly dying in order to visit a non existant traditional cyprian village. It sounds disasterous and it would have been if we hadnt have wound up finding some quaint road side stalls and tourist shops selling the funniest things...Stavros's Hot Nuts and Sex Toys, used sex toys to be exact, mind you there was only one pack, it was opened and one was missing...probably the best one. The cheek of it was that they were trying to sell them for 100 euros. UMMM, NO. Anyway it kept me and sally entertained for absolutely ages.
Other stuff we did included, wave jumping in the sea, visiting a turtle hatching center, watching one of those elvis impersonater shows (was actually bloody entertaining) and drinking fabulously crude named cocktails "sex behind the bar" was my partcular favourite. "i'll have sex behind the bar please. :)
The views were to die for
Got a tan...yesyes, i was determined to do this, and I did. However its a not so sexy peely, patchy one as i got burnt to a crisp the first day we got there...other than that it all goood.

On returning home I ended up singing with Upton Fusion at the Jazz festival. It was fun and such good weather to come home to. Sat by the river most of the day drinking cider and enjoying the company, sun and music. A beautiful day again. And so that was my last week. :) This blog proobably doesnt make alot of sense as i have tried to write alot all at once and have not followed what ive been writing...

ciao for now. xx

holiday (sung madonna stylee)

going on holiday tomorrow. should be bloody good :)

Goggles.

Went lane swimming tonight...am knackered and my eye could do with a good gouging out and a soak in lovely mineral enriched cold spring water overnight to get rid of the redness and pain.

Also tonight I said "no" to someone that normally I give into. It was empowering although im sure I will regret it eventually. Hey ho, someone had to say no to him and this rediculousness had to stop. I wasnt about to be used anymore.:)

Holiday in 3 days. quite excited. However I am already peeling from previous sun burn...so it should be interesting. anyways night night. xxxx

I miss marching...

I have only just realised that it was 37th Kingswoods first comp today...I miss marching, I especially miss marching with two of my most valued friends... Hope you did well, all of you. xx

A man in uniform.

Spent a lovely day at Throckmorton Air Show in aid of Help the Heroes. I thought I was gunna hate it but it was good...and lots of lovely men in uniform ;).
Also went out last night with the FABULOUS Kay Odell and Lorna Taha. Was a laugh even though I had to get up at 7 the next morning to be at work...nearly died. Anyways im tired so this is a pretty poor entry. haha. night night. xx

I "believe" i'm feeling a little lonely

Wow, what a week its been. Stressed to the max and its not even me moving out, its my bosses. haha.
Feeling quite lonely recently. Dont know why. Im not really alone ever. I have my family and there are still some friends around that I get to see...Its odd. I think its possibly because I dont belong. I have no one to belong to, no single person, no single group of friends that I can be at one with. I met up with a friend I had lost touch with in the week and there was a glimmer of belonging when I spent time with him. I felt I was with someone who cared...it was nice. But it only lasted a few hours and I cant go tell him about my complicated thinkings haha. Right now I cant wait to get back to uni, to have something to focus on and to be constantly surrounded by people. I used to long for solitude now all I want is hustle and bustle, and people.

On an upper, I got an A in my Production and Meaning module. Best grade so far this year :) I am proud of myself. I was so worried when I started uni that I wouldnt want to kee up. I just needed to believe I guess.

And on that note. I want a tattoo. "Believe" in a nice cursive script on my foot somewhere. (good link to the last paragraph dont you think?) This is a big step for me. Im not the type that takes risks and a tattoo is a risk. Its on me forever. I want it to remind me to always believe in myself and what others think of me and tell me. Its something mum and dad always tell me to do. :) Still playing it a little safe tho cause it will be on my foot where I can cover it up when Im an old saggy lady and its nothing big. haha

Right, im off. Ive gone mega tired all of a sudden and I have a busy weekend ahead of me. SIGH! night y'all. xx

I am broken.

OOOOOUCH. TOO MUCH DANCING...CANT MOVE WITHOUT PAIN. That is all...
...oh and Lion Man STILL hasnt come. x

It's quiet in a room that always smiled...

I only write songs and poems and such when I feel the urge...tonight was one of these rare moments. I dont claim to be any good at it by any means. so judge away.
I have been thinking about this last year a lot with eveyone leaving and moving on and so came this.... It is a poem written for someone I grew close to in a shot period of time, someone I shared my life and dreams with briefly. For reasons and actions that can only ever be truly understood by that person, things didnt work out. I still hold true to my belief that were we still in one anothers lives today, things could have been awesome...

For Flump

It’s quiet in a room that always smiled
with a grin a landscape wide.
A landscape waiting to be explored,
passions shared.
Gorged on dreams and takeaway
a beanbag boasts as lumber,
whilst we sit and wait for the efforts of our fantasies
to depreciate in slumber.
A neon sign heads the way to a fold out couch,
worn and used, a sure sign of danger,
a sagging, sorry mattress fit for a stranger.
Take heed.

But a hand. Yours,
is the smell of new cut grass, a cup of tea,
fresh crisp bed sheets, beams of sun light catching the glass.
Comfort.

Then I am past. Like time.

Blinded, I walked straight in, no fear.
Seeing, I stumbled out.
The couch still waits folded in,
more skin will come, smoother than the last.
But how many will champion the wants and dreams,
partner aspirations of a landscape wide and waiting?

Reverberating.
It’s quiet in a room that always smiled.

two for you tonight.

Am feeling a little blue aside of all my ebay purchasing...everyone at uni has somewhere to run to, a place they can go called home when they need to escape. I'm always here, home is here and everyone has run away to their safe place. I would quite like a hug, but youve all gone... :(
xx

EBAYYY. I LOVE YOU.

One feels one has succeeded in life when one has managed to get some proper bargains off ebay...

All started t'other day when me and mother were in Boots, makeup counter girl comes up to me "hi, have you ever heard of Benefit make-up?" "no" I lied...(first big mistake right there) "Oh, well come over here and I will give you a free make-over with Benefit products." "O.K." says I....SECOND MISTAKE.
So I follow the woman rather tenuously back to the counter...It was a long way back through a maze of aisles, she must have seen me walk in the shop and thought "now theres someone who looks rough and could do with a bit'o'slap"...anyways, get to the counter, have all this loverly makeup put on me and shes all like " which ones would you consider buying" I pick out the two cheapest (or what i think will be the cheapest) items..."how much would that cost?" I ask, thinking, "ohhh, maybe a tenner at most"....FOURTY SIX QUID FOR TWO THINGS...me thinks not...

I go home feeling a little disheartened....here i was all ready to buy this amazing makeup, that didnt make me look half bad...and then I cant afford it.

*light bulb moment* I shall EBAY it!

I did and Ive now won 3 items which should have come to about £65 for about £30, I am genious.

Maybe not so genious as if i had just have had the balls to say no to the lovely sales woman in the shop, then I wouldnt have just spent £30 on makeup...Damn, those "oh ive just come back from Ibiza and this is a natural tan, honest" sales girls!


p.s. on a lighter note....LION MAN COMES TOMORROW! :D

Today I won the Lion Man.

TODAY I WON THE LION MAN. that is all...

In the depths of southern africa the big cats they will come...

Joined a Glee club not so long ago. Its good old fun, but bloody hell its hard work. Went tonight, was whipped into shape. The dancing is soo complicated... I can hardly breathe once ive done half of the dance, let alone do the whole thing AND sing! It just proves how unfit I am.
I really dont have much to write at the moment. Im just working most of the week and then trying to catch up on sleep. HOW BORING AM I? yes I know!
Highlight of the week so far??? Bidding on "The Lion Man" dvd. I was seriously distraught when I went to uni, started singing the theme tune and everyone looked at me like I could have done with sectioning. Yes, if you do not watch lion man you may think that someone singing a song about lions and a man saving them with such passion is a bit wierd, but you have to admit, its catchy! Dad and me have been walking around the house singing it for aaaaaaaages. In the depths of southern africa the big cats they will come...delivered from extinction to their new life in the sun...
*please note this must be sang with an african/kiwi twang for maximum impact and catchiness.*
Anyway...finally found some others that appreciated my love for the Lion Man...and was informed there was a DVD. well... it had to be done...I EBAYED it! yesyes, im now the top bidder at 99p on Lion Man Season 1. My life shall only be complete when I win it and it arrives! pahhaha.
I plan on wasting a day of my life watching it back to back...and who knows I might push the boat out buy the other 2 seasons!
HES THE LION MAN, DOING ALL HE CAN TO CREATE A SANCTUARY AND A HOME!

How can I say goodbye...? aye!

Bloody hell! How rough do I feel? I didnt even stay to the end!! What a night, so sad saying goodbye to all you amazing people. I feel like an impostor when I cried because youare leaving, cause i havent known you that long...but it feels like family and you will be sorely missed all of you.
I have never had to say goodbye to anyone like that before, and it was heartbreaking.
Take care you beautiful people and keep in touch. Muchos LoCo love. xx

First Show.

Would like to say how much I love everyone in LoCo you are all bloody amazing and have really given me something to smile about these last few months.
Tonight was of epic proportions. I messed up but who cares. Overall we had an alright show. Thanks to those who came and supported us. Love to Emma, Rosie, Linny, Pete and Allan who made the effort for me! :D muchos appreciated.
So heres to two good shows tomorrow. Sleep well all.
p.s. it took me near an hour to get the beehive out...im gunna beat the bastard in the end. IT SHALL BE TAMED. love. xxx

Crazy Talk.

So I went out with the girlies (the old school gang) and it hit me just how short the period in uni is. Three years seems like forever when you join, but in all honesty ive already done my 1st year and thats gone in a flash. Its scary that the girls are all in the yeaar above me. Next year is their last year!! And then they will all be moving on to the big wide world to find jobs and such. ARRRRRH! Petrified.
It was a good night, though. Full of "unrealistic" (so lin calls them) plans to do amazing things over the summer. Its odd how we dont see each other for months and the minute we get back together its like we have never been apart. We arent the closest group of people. I mean our lives arent consumed by girly sleepovers and wrecked nights out on the town but when we are together we just click.
LoCo show tomorrow. Absolutely bricking it. What if I mess up? What if they hate me? :S I hope I dont, its so many peoples last shows and I want it to be a good one for them. I will miss all the 3rd years. They are all amazing people that work so hard at what they do. One of them I will miss more than others, but he doesnt need to know that. It will be a night full of laughter and tears the night of the last show. :)
Right, ive got to get learning my lines a bit better, cant rely on the script anymore!! cioa for now. xx

I'm new to this...

Ok. So I've been looking at other peoples blogs and I really like the whole idea of blogging to vent emotions and such like.Im fed up of having a whinge at my mates and them (bless them) being kind enough to pretend they care. So I have, by some miracle, managed to set up my own blogspot (im practically computer illiterate.) I don't by any means expect anyone to read it, it's just a place for me to put down everything and anything I want that is happening with me.

So whats going on with me at the mo? Well Im a little bit scared that I'm not gunna get everything for uni done in time. I have no motivation at the moment. This worries me as I'm only in my first year, what will I be like in 2? I'm pooping my pants over LoCo (musical theatre society) I've got a major part in the current production of Zombie Prom and everyone else is so good at it all. I really stuggle to keep my head above the water and pretend I know what I'm doing. There were others that really wanted my part and probably deserved it. I never thought I would get it when I auditioned. And I worry I'm going to be a let down.

Also I am currently on a diet. This means eating bugger all that actually makes me happy and then lying to myself every week when I step on the scales telling myself "ooo, look youve lost half a pound, that good." Actually its crap. When I actually thought about it half a pound is really only 2 McDonalds quater pounder cheese burgers...in all honesty I would rather eat them than subject myself to museli, no points vegetable soup and weight watchers bread "only one point a slice none-the-less" (mother, May 2010) -it is only that low in calories because they've sliced it as thin as is humanly possible. Why AM I dieting?

While I'm on the war path. MEN. Why are you hiding from me...well you good ones anyway. I would love nothing more than to get home at night and snuggle up with a guy who just wants to hold me. I'm not one of these girls who go out in search of a bloke for a quick shag...There has been one of those guys that I would meet up with regularly and "do it like they do on the discovery channel" with, but I soon fell for him and ended up looking the fool. So now I'm on the look out for a decent bloke. One that is happy to take things as they come, go with the flow.
Apparently they don't exist. In the words of John Mayer "I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here."

Right you lovely lot, it's time for bed. I've got a sore throat coming and I really dont have time to be ill. Muchos Love. x