There are alot of things I want for my life. I want to pass uni and find a job that makes me happy. I want a house close enough to the people I love to see them when I need to. I want my Camper Van to work and to go on holiday to the coast and soak up the sun...theres lots more I want but none of it has any point without other people to share it with. I have one person my heart tells me it would like to share these moments with...but my brain knows otherwise. He is a batchelor through and through, a player one might say, He has sworn himself that he shall never marry; I'm not unaware of his playing and his ability to swoon, infact i wish i was. I have no want for feelings towards him. The opposite perhaps. But when I hear about his latest conquests I cant help but feel crap.
My problem is maybe made worse by the fact he is a close friend, and that my other close friends cannot know about my musings because they would hurt them in their own ways.
I dont think that my guy knows the extent of the feelings I have for him...why should he. All along I have acted blas'e about our messing around, acting as if i was in controll of my feelings so not to be just another one of his girls...but sadly that is exactly what I am. I hate it.
I will always love him in a platonic fashion. He will always have my heart that way how could he not? I just wish my heart would listen to my head and get a grip. foolish heart.
Things could be alot worse though I suppose. I have an awesome family to share all the things I mentioned at the beginning of this blog with. And I will always have my beautiful beautiful friends. Things will look up. Someone else will turn up and distract my heart long enough to sever ties that shouldnt exist and I will go to the coast in my campervan and just live, laugh and love. xx
p.s. The person in this blog would in no way ever read it. This is the only reason I can and have written it here.
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