Im feeling fine.

We lost grandma just over a week ago. I dont cry about it anymore, and I dont feel sad about it. It sounds strange to some people that I'm not outwardly mourning or anything, I am. I dont feel the need to cry, and there is no reason to be sad. She is wherever she is now, although unexpected, it wasnt untimely and it was better now while she was still completely functional and all. I do think about her, and I always will, we were close and she would always support me through everything I did. And I'm sure that there will be times I will miss her. But right now I have my family to look after. My dad is devastated, understandably and mum is being amazing and sympathising with him and helping make all the arrangements. Sally is busy with her exams, so its my job to do the everyday stuff, the shopping, the cleaning, the cooking. I suppose me doing these things is my way of mouring. Its not something I would do normally at all and its what I feel I should do at this time.

Seeing my whole family pull together makes me realise how lucky I am to have them. I cant imagine a life without them. It also makes me wish I had a partner more and more, as I watch mum comfort dad, my auntie and uncle comfort each other, couples writing to us with their sympathies. I have come to realise that there isnt much you cant do in life with someone by your side. It shall happen I'm sure. I just get so frustated that I have to wait.

I watch couples declaring they are in a realtionship on facebook, I watch my sister cry because her boyfriend lives so far away and she doesnt get to see him enough, I watch mum and dad have a cuddle in the kitchen after a hard day and I wish I had that. I think its unfair. People say I have to stop looking before something/someone will come along. But I feel I can't. Its such a big whole in my life that I feel needs filling that I cant just ignore it, Im not saying im constantly on the prowl for someone, but there is always that niggle in the back of my head and that heavy feeling in my heart that makes me sigh from time to time and keeps me wishing.

On a more positive note, my cousins are coming up for the funeral, I havent seen them in years so it will be nice to get everyone together, looking forward it all, apart from the funeral bit obviously!!

Ive had a lovely time over this past week, Ive been to the cinema with friends, been to birmingham to visit others, had my hair cut and tomorrow I am going round to another friends to have a curry and a few drinks with everyone. It will be fun Im sure!

I have band in a bit so off to get ready.

take care xx